Did That Kid Just Order A Double Martini?

I hate it when people take their children where they have absolutely no business being. I don't necessarily hate children. I have one of my own. Let me repeat. One. I found out what one half of me is like; I'm semi-happy with the result (my contribution), so I stopped having them. I really didn't need a whole passle of them. Or whatever you call of large group of kids; is it a gaggle? Anyway, I don't really enjoy being around other peoples kids, but I love mine 99.9 % of the time.

The other day I was at a restaurant that had a bar attached to it. I was sitting at the bar eating my late lunch, and this guy walks over to my section, I guess he had just had lunch with his kid. For some reason they both headed over to the bar. This little kid was running all over the bar, just knocking crap over, playing in between the bar stools. It was really starting to irk me. The whole main reason why I sit in the bar section to begin with, is so I don't have to endure other people's children. You stay on your side, I'll stay on mine.

Me: Um, excuse me but, he can't be in here.

The dad: He has every right to be here.

Me: Uh, no he doesn't. This is a bar, you know? For adults? You can't bring him in here. That's just plain rude. I don't go out to a playground and drink. Get it?

The dad: (pause) Good point.

He finally left. Jeesh. I should not of had to explain this too him. Am I the only one this has happened to? And is it just me, or are the people who work at these types of places (Applebee's, Chili's, etc.) stupid? I have seen this happen more than once, and the establishment never says a thing. Why do they call it the "bar seating area", if they are going to let anyone sit there?

Ugly Is as Ugly Does

Ugly is going out of style. It's being eradicated. With all of these makeover shows, there is no excuse to be ugly anymore. Plastic surgery is in and so acceptable nowadays that if you are so messed up, people just assume its by choice. "I guess that how she wants her face." (shrug)

I don't have a problem with corrective plastic surgery. If your lip is messed up or something, you can fix it. However, this cosmetic crap is getting out of hand. Nowadays the only way to tell if people are naturally ugly is to see how their baby turns out. Plastic surgery can make you look better, but it can't correct that cross-eyed gene that you are gonna pass on to your child. Make sure you see baby pictures of the person you might be thinking about marrying before you do the deed. If not, you're going to be looking at your baby, wondering, "Where'd he get those big-assed ears from? He doesn't look like either one of us." Oh, yes he does. He looks just like you when you were in the seventh grade. Those ugly genes are getting passed on. Screw the college fund, now you gotta put something away for the make-over fund.

I read a while back that a couple in Florida got breast implants for their 16 year old daughter. Seems like everything that is messed up happens in Florida, must be the sun. Anyway, at first I thought, "This is ridiculous." This girls is way too young, and what kind of message are the parents giving her? "You won't get anywhere in this world without big boobs."?

But after thinking about it further, I'm thinking..."We have not actually seen this girl; maybe she actually needed a little bit of help." Let's be honest. In this world looks are pretty important to some people. Who knows? Maybe breasts were cheaper than braces. Maybe her parents had some kind of master plan. "Ok, hun. We'll buy the boobies and maybe you'll meet some nice man, who'll fix your teeth."

That's Dumb....Period!

Have you ever read the back of a package of pads? I'm not talking about shoulderpads or anything else, I'm talking about girl stuff. Sanitary napkins.

Anyway, I was at the store the other day, and I had a coupon for a brand I don't normally use. I figured I oughtta check out the product a little. Kotex now prints little tips on their packaging. They call it, "Tips for Life". I call it stupid. It's a sanitary napkin, not a fortune cookie for jeepers sake! Besides, the time when I would most likely be reading this package, I probably won't be exactly open to suggestions.

The stuff they think is helpful, well, let me just say....I don't think so. I don't care that "drinking eight glasses of water a day will help me feel fresh", or how "avoiding caffeine will help reduce cramps", or even better, "staying active during your period will help relieve cramps". Screw you, Kotex. Why don't you give us some "tips" we can actually use, like "how to dispose of your husband's body"? Or "what to put in your kids cereal to make them sleep for three days". And what I erally want to know, is why didn't they mention any of this stuff in "Are You There God, It's Me Margaret?" Better yet, "Will there be a menopause addition titled, "Lord, Jesus! Put Down the Gun, Maggie?" There'd better be. Otherwise, if I ever meet Judy Blume I'm gonna bitch slap her. Anyway, I'm gonna give you some real tips for life.

1. When you're feeling crabby, spread it around. You'll feel better when you screw up every one else's day.
2. Mood swings will often pass with a good cry and a bottle of tequila.
3. Don't let bloating keep you from wearing your favorite jeans. Loop a rubber band over the button and thru the hole and tell every one its the latest thing.
4. Eat lots of fruits and veggies. You'll end up with so much gas, you will forget all about your period. And so will everyone else.
5. Water only curbs your cravings for more water. Have the freakin' chocolate. Nobody cares but you anyway.

So, I will get off my soapbox, or whatever you want to call it. I'm gonna go eat some cheesecake.