A certain friend of mine has never made a secret of her gullibility but no matter how many times she gets burned, she doesn’t seem to learn. One of the areas of her greatest vulnerability is advertising. Marketers are a crafty, soulless bunch and they just adore credulous simpletons like her. She’ll swallow anything if the pitch is even remotely plausible.
Recently, she swallowed something called “Mega Cleanse”. She was seduced and completely hoodwinked by the manufacturer’s claim that the product “would gently and thoroughly rid your system of dangerous toxins, giving you increased energy and bringing your body to optimum performance.” All good, right? She was as keen to have a pristine colon as the next girl, so she slapped down her $20 and went home to give it a try.
While strictly speaking, the manufacturer wasn’t lying, if she had been more astute (say, like an average 11 year old), she may have asked herself exactly how they were going to make good on their claims. As it turned out, that particular mystery was soon solved and not in a good way.
Within hours, she was transformed into a high volume methane factory and things only went downhill from there. For the next few days, she was no more than a blur as she sprinted to the can with such speed, frequency and single-mindedness that by the time the whole ordeal was over, she could qualify in Olympic time trials. She became so familiar with her bathroom that she considered having meals sent in.
Her cat Ivan was initially bewildered at her actions but as the awful truth penetrated his feline brain, he made a face as if to say, “What on earth is that dreadful smell?” and refused to have anything more to do with her. She knew things had become critical indeed if she induced disgust in a creature who regularly licks his own ass. He usually pushes the bathroom door open and leaps onto her lap as she is answering the call of nature, but this time he shoots to the litter box and spends hours digging furiously in sympathy or as futile attempt to exorcise the stench.
As she perched gingerly on her throne for the day, she reached for the box and read it more closely. You’d think that a supposedly reputable company would be more candid with their customers instead of irresponsibly hiding behind words like “gentle”. The unsuspecting public would be better served by a rewrite of the label: “Ingesting this product will cause you to shit yourself blind for the better part of a week and will earn you the open hostility of fellow bathroom users. Entire forests will fall to satisfy your need for toilet paper and you will never be able to listen to “Ring of Fire” in quite the same way again. Before using this product, we strongly recommend that you extinguish all open flames and remain in areas of ample ventilation. Preparation H may alleviate any discomfort or irritation but prudent consumers may also want to stock up on Preparations A thru G.”
Friday, June 09, 2006
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
Something quick
A man travels to Spain and goes to Pamplona during the great "running of the Bulls" festival.
After his first day there, he goes out late for dinner at a restuarant in the center of the town. He orders the house special and he is brought a plate ,with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects.
"What's this?" he asks.
"Cojones, senor," the waiter replies.
"What are cojones?" the man asks.
"Cojones," the waiter explains, "are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon."
At first the man is disgusted, but being the adventurous type, he decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite delicious. In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night and order it again. This time, the waiter brings out the plate, but the meaty objects are much smaller.
"What's this?" he asks the waiter.
"Cojones, senor," the waiter replies.
"No, no," the man objects. "I had cojones yesterday and they were much bigger than these."
"Senor," the waiter explains, "the bull does not lose every time."
(I just thought I would share.)
After his first day there, he goes out late for dinner at a restuarant in the center of the town. He orders the house special and he is brought a plate ,with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects.
"What's this?" he asks.
"Cojones, senor," the waiter replies.
"What are cojones?" the man asks.
"Cojones," the waiter explains, "are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon."
At first the man is disgusted, but being the adventurous type, he decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite delicious. In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night and order it again. This time, the waiter brings out the plate, but the meaty objects are much smaller.
"What's this?" he asks the waiter.
"Cojones, senor," the waiter replies.
"No, no," the man objects. "I had cojones yesterday and they were much bigger than these."
"Senor," the waiter explains, "the bull does not lose every time."
(I just thought I would share.)
Sunday, May 28, 2006
A Right to an Education...If You Can Afford It
Do you remember back in the day, when you were in school and you got to go on field trips? You brought home the permission slip, your parents signed it, you turned it in and you were golden. Now it's different. This blows me away...
We live in supposedly the richest country in the world. We give foreign aid for cripes sake! And this might seem small and petty to you, but it matters to me; I had to pay $16 to go towards the cost of the use of the school bus for my son's field trip! What about the kids that can't afford the 16 bucks? Public school is free for all, but if you want to go on a learning enriched field trip to a museum and lava caves, cough up some dough. I'm glad that when I was a kid, field trips were free. Otherwise I would never have gone on a single one. Coming from a family with eight kids in it, tells you right there, that we had no money to spare for stuff like that.
I guess it shouldn't surprise me much. Whenever I take a look at my son's homework I just sigh. He has no books. Just photocopies of pages from books. I asked one of his teachers about his once. I was told that there isn't enough books to go around so instead of some having books and some not, they photocopy them for everyone. Now I understood why at the beginning of the year when we got our list of school supplies to purchase, a package of printer paper was on it. On the first day of school, the teachers collect all the packages and put them in the store closet for the classroom. It's just plain sad. But it makes me mad too.
Recently in my school district a ballot measure was put to a vote. A measure to decide to raise the property tax to help pay for more teachers and school supplies like books. It was a hard thing to try to pass. Not only was it about the public forking over more money, but over 50% of the registered voters in the district have to vote on it, but then it had to win by a 50% or more margin. Gee, guess what? It won by more than 50%, but unfortunately the voter turnout wasn't the greatest. So it did not pass.
My son starts high school next year. Bigger school, more kids...I wonder if he'll have books or not? Or just maybe all his classes will be lecture and his quizzes and test will be oral. That would save money on paper, books and pencils for sure.
We live in supposedly the richest country in the world. We give foreign aid for cripes sake! And this might seem small and petty to you, but it matters to me; I had to pay $16 to go towards the cost of the use of the school bus for my son's field trip! What about the kids that can't afford the 16 bucks? Public school is free for all, but if you want to go on a learning enriched field trip to a museum and lava caves, cough up some dough. I'm glad that when I was a kid, field trips were free. Otherwise I would never have gone on a single one. Coming from a family with eight kids in it, tells you right there, that we had no money to spare for stuff like that.
I guess it shouldn't surprise me much. Whenever I take a look at my son's homework I just sigh. He has no books. Just photocopies of pages from books. I asked one of his teachers about his once. I was told that there isn't enough books to go around so instead of some having books and some not, they photocopy them for everyone. Now I understood why at the beginning of the year when we got our list of school supplies to purchase, a package of printer paper was on it. On the first day of school, the teachers collect all the packages and put them in the store closet for the classroom. It's just plain sad. But it makes me mad too.
Recently in my school district a ballot measure was put to a vote. A measure to decide to raise the property tax to help pay for more teachers and school supplies like books. It was a hard thing to try to pass. Not only was it about the public forking over more money, but over 50% of the registered voters in the district have to vote on it, but then it had to win by a 50% or more margin. Gee, guess what? It won by more than 50%, but unfortunately the voter turnout wasn't the greatest. So it did not pass.
My son starts high school next year. Bigger school, more kids...I wonder if he'll have books or not? Or just maybe all his classes will be lecture and his quizzes and test will be oral. That would save money on paper, books and pencils for sure.
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