You Saw Her What?!

The night before the big shin-dig at the relatives house in Laporte, Indiana the family went out to dinner. By "the family" I mean the hubby's papa, mama, sis, her two babies, me, the hubster, my son, the brother-in-law, and his two friends. It was interesting to say the least.

But the most interesting part I have to say was not the food. It was not the immediate company. It was the woman seated kitty-corner to us at her own table. She had two other people with her, but you wouldn't know it by the conversation. She was the only person talking. And that my friends is the lead in, to how my husband and his brother inadvertently blew ice tea out of their noses simutaniously at each other. Unplanned, I might add.

Act I: Scene I

(Large, thick necked woman seated at table with her son(?) and another woman. She is wearing the paper bib that comes with the all-you-can-eat-ribs)

"I have to be careful, don't you know," she said in a sugary Southern accent, while stroking a meaty hand down her polyester, flower printed shirt, "I don't want to get anything on my blouse, since I am wearing this to church tomorrow."

(Meanwhile, she is waving a rib as she talks, not to mention spitting BBQ sauce on her friend she is eating with. I guess her friend is going to have to change her shirt for church the next day.)

The following is what caused what is now known as: "The Ice-Tea Blow Out".

Please try continue to imagine this said with a sweet as sugar southern accent. I'm not sure why it's southern since we were about as far North as you can get in Indiana, but whatever.

While continuing to use a saucy rib as a point maker, the rib eater says to her companions, "Speaking of church, did you see Lilah at the services last week?" Her friends shake their heads "no". They can't speak because they are trying to eat their own fill of ribs that are on the table before she does.

She takes a deep breath. And I mean a deep breath. It must of been really deep because she never paused as she said, "Well...She-was-wearing-the-shortest, and-I-mean-the-shortest-skirt, if-you-can-call-it-a-skirt-ever!" Another deep breath here. She almost inhaled her paper bib, I swear. "Why, when-she-bent-over-to-pick-up-her-bible-when-it fell, and-I-think-it-"fell"-on-purpose-you-know, well...YOU COULD SEE HER HOO HOO! And-it-wasn't-just-me-little-JimmyDan-saw-it-too! He-wouldn't-admit it,-but-I-know, because-he-turned-beet-red, and-when-I-asked-him-what-was-wrong, he-just-ran-to-the-restroom."

And that my friends is what caused iced tea to spring forth from the noses of my husband and my brother-in-law simutaniously in Laporte, Indiana. Let it be a lesson to you if you're not into showing off your "hoo hoo", don't bend over in church while wearing a short skirt.

Discrimination?

I took this picture with my phone in Dallas on the way home from Indiana. I just couldn't resist. Mostly because it reminds me of my husband. Those of you who know us will understand. Hee hee.

Back From The Wilds of Indiana

Oh boy, what a vacation! We are obviously back and still breathing. And although I have tons of stories, including a little advice on how to sneak 39 ears(that's 3 bakers dozen) of Indiana Sweet corn through redneck customs in a cheap Walmart duffel bag (it's contraband, didn't you know? LOL) I want to start off with an excerpt from the 'sheriff's Log' of the local newspaper of Brown County, Indiana. My husband took me to Nashville, Indiana for my birthday. Yeah, you read that right. But that's another story altogether. Hee hee.

So in the mean time, enjoy the following that we read over breakfast the other day. And yes, it was hard to keep the coffee from jetting out of my nose on some of these.

July 24:
2 a.m. Report of tree down on Old Haggard Road.
10:44 a.m. 911 caller says that there are three or four males being loud at the family camp ground.
7:42 p.m. Caller reports breaking and entering with property damage that occurred approximately two days ago.
July 25:
12:49 p.m. Report of theft on Muscat Drive.
8:39 p.m. Caller reports a tree just fell inside the park.
July 26:
2:05 a.m. Report of fire in the bathroom wastepaper basket at the Circle K.
10:59 a.m. Pine Ridge Road resident reports that their two spotted donkeys are missing.
3:38 p.m. Caller from Green Valley Road reports two spotted donkeys in her front yard.
4:37 p.m. Caller from Deckard Road says a neighbor just made an improper gesture with a finger towards him and wants it logged.
7:01 p.m. Cell phone caller reports a cow walking down the middle of Horse Shoe Road.
July 27:
12:11 p.m. Caller says he lost his day planner at Dr. Brester's, but was advised that no report was necessary, he just needs to start canceling his credit cards.
July 28:
No report.
July 29:
No report.
July 30:
11:35 a.m. 911 caller reports a person with a bloody hand on Owl Creek Road with a bloody hand, scaring bicycle riders.
6:09 p.m. Caller from Brown Hill Road needs an officer to meet with him just in case his bike gets stolen, he wants them to know what kind it is.
9:39 p.m. 911 caller from a payphone says his ex just tried to hit his girlfriend with a crowbar.

I swear that this is word for word, I tore the section out of the paper and stuffed it in my purse. I couldn't make this stuff up. And the sad part is, I would love to open my local newspaper everyday and read stuff like this. It's better than what I read now.

Another good start to that day was the waitress who served our food that morning was just glowing like a peach. Her two two daughters had a big day the night before. One who was the previous years reigning Miss Brown County Queen of the Corn (or something like that) got to crown her sister who won it also. Very cool I thought. Just a good start to the day. I'll write more about the interesting stuff that went on during the vacation later. Have fun.