Saturday, December 17, 2005

Missing Limbs, Homicidal Cougars, & Black Jack!

Yesterday my friend and I went to the little casino that is about 45 minutes from us, to celebrate her birthday. Actually her birthday was Wednesday but anyway...

Every year since forever, we always try to find something new and fun to do for her b-day, (and, or stupid). I don't know why exactly. Maybe because her birthday is so close to Christmas, we try to make it more unique.

One year we went 4 x 4 ing in our trucks, up in the foothills near us. Incidentally, there unfortunately had been a triple homicide in those same woods a week or too before that. (Not a very common thing in these parts.) The local cops had not disclosed the location where the crime had happened, so what did we do? We went up there to look around, and see if we could find it. I did say that sometimes we are stupid. Any way, we never really did find the crime scene, but we did get the crap scared outta us by a three-legged dog that came crashing through the woods, followed by it's one-legged human owner that was living in his van near where we had stopped to stretch our legs and deal with nature's call.

Another year, we went up to those same hills just to 4 x 4 again. This time we were in just her truck and wanted to check out the spot where the road had recently slid down a 150 ft. drop on the main road. I'm not sure why we thought this warranted a trip up there, but apparently we are pretty easily amused. But alas, we never seem to be able to stick to the original agenda. My friend has slowly learned now to ignore me when I say, "Let's see where this road goes." We ended up almost tipping her truck onto it's side. After we climbed out of the drivers side, we discovered that the truck was balancing precariously on a very big rock that she had originally thought was a bush, when she attempted to drive through (over) it. We made the decision that we should walk back to the bottom of the hill to the little store there and call for help getting the truck off this "giant" boulder. Did I mention it was still day light when we made this decision? Anyway, we walked about eight miles that night. In December. It started to rain. We had one teenie-tiny flashlight. Which was convenient for seeing the large yellow glowing eyes that stayed parallel to us in the nearby woods for about three of those miles, and they thankfully stopped when they reached a clearing. I was also thankful that she had brought her pistol. We didn't need to use it, but it was comforting none the less. After we finally made it to the little store, we called my mother and her boyfriend who had a four wheel drive truck. They came and got us and the truck. My mom had brought some dry sweatshirts to change into. We stripped off our wet shirts right there in the middle of the store, we just didn't care at that point. I have never before, and probably never will again, feel anything as good as that warm, dry sweat shirt. (By the way, it took approximately 5 minutes to get her truck off the "giant boulder".) But who cares? How many people do you know have been stalked by a cougar?

When I told another friend of mine that we were going to the casino this year for the annual birthday trip, she told me to make sure I write something in my blog about it the next day. She said that when the two of us get together, we usually end up saving someone's life (even if it's just our own), righting a wrong somewhere, or catch a criminal (that's a whole different story). I had to laugh at that, because she's right. Stuff like that just seems to happen to us. But not this time. Pretty boring stuff. But we did have fun at the black jack tables. Thank goodness they have $5 dollar tables.

Although we did find a naked man in the parking lot, who later, sadly, lost his penis when we decided he was not such a good luck charm after all. Oh, I'm sorry. Did I neglect to mention that he was only an inch tall, made out of plastic, and was probably once part of a key chain? Sorry, but other than having tons of fun, that was the only odd and different thing that happened to us. We'll have to think of something better for next year.

In the mean time, stay tuned for more misadventures of The Dynamic Duo of Kimberly & Sonja : Murder Clue Finders, Cougar Stalk-ees, & Black Jack Players Extraordanares.


Friday, December 16, 2005

My husband the bartender heard this in part of a conversation the other night. It's amazing what a drunk person can come up with when they are getting cut off.

"A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members."

"In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. Now are you going to serve me or what?"

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Diary of a Cat

DAY 752

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761

Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair - must try this on their bed.

DAY 762

Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan...

DAY 768

I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...