Anyway, I was at the store the other day, and I had a coupon for a brand I don't normally use. I figured I oughtta check out the product a little. Kotex now prints little tips on their packaging. They call it, "Tips for Life". I call it stupid. It's a sanitary napkin, not a fortune cookie for jeepers sake! Besides, the time when I would most likely be reading this package, I probably won't be exactly open to suggestions.
The stuff they think is helpful, well, let me just say....I don't think so. I don't care that "drinking eight glasses of water a day will help me feel fresh", or how "avoiding caffeine will help reduce cramps", or even better, "staying active during your period will help relieve cramps". Screw you, Kotex. Why don't you give us some "tips" we can actually use, like "how to dispose of your husband's body"? Or "what to put in your kids cereal to make them sleep for three days". And what I erally want to know, is why didn't they mention any of this stuff in "Are You There God, It's Me Margaret?" Better yet, "Will there be a menopause addition titled, "Lord, Jesus! Put Down the Gun, Maggie?" There'd better be. Otherwise, if I ever meet Judy Blume I'm gonna bitch slap her. Anyway, I'm gonna give you some real tips for life.
- When you're feeling crabby, spread it around. You'll feel better when you screw up every one else's day.
- Mood swings will often pass with a good cry and a bottle of tequila.
- Don't let bloating keep you from wearing your favorite jeans. Loop a rubber band over the button and thru the hole and tell every one its the latest thing.
- Eat lots of fruits and veggies. You'll end up with so much gas, you will forget all about your period. And so will everyone else.
- Water only curbs your cravings for more water. Have the freakin' chocolate. Nobody cares but you anyway.
So, I will get off my soapbox, or whatever you want to call it. I'm gonna go eat some cheesecake.