The Selfish Monster

The only time we're nice on the road is if an ambulance has to get through. Suddenly everyone cooperates. People you've been cursing at and giving the finder to are suddenly your good friends. You put away your differences, and peace and harmony prevail as you clear a path for your neighbors in need.

Then it's a mad rush for the Ambulance Wake. Everyone wants to get behind that ambulance. "I saw it first, buddy. I pulled over first so I should be the one to go ahead of you--that's how it works."

It's the Selfish Monster.

Ever been stuck behind as accident, and when you finally see the wreckage, you're actually happy? "Here we go. Here's the problem. Things should pick up now, soon as we pass this carnage."

And then when you tell your friends later, it's all about you.

"Sorry I'm late, some guy's car exploded. Right in front of me. Can you believe my luck? I lost a good fifteen minutes."

Would you just LOOK at this guy...sheesh!

The great thing about being selfish and self-centered is you can do it anywhere, with anybody. It's not restricted to those you love. And it's not just me. Everyone is self-centered. But of course, I'm really only concerned about myself here.

I know for example, I'm selfish when I drive.

The True Ugliness that lurks in our souls doesn't always come out, but in traffic it comes out plenty. Especially during this season.

When you are stuck in traffic, you hate everybody. "Oh, would you just look at this moron! Why doesn't he just GO? He sees I'm here, doesn't he? Why won't he go? Come on go, go , GO! If you would just go, there wouldn't be traffic. That's why there is traffic: your failure to go!"

We've got places to be and we want to be there NOW. It doesn't matter where. You could be on your way to the dentist to get raw nerves sucked out of your jaw, and you'd still be pissed. "Heyyy, I'm gonna miss the whole nerve sucking thing. Come on, let's go!"

It's always the guy in front of you that you really hate. If he would just go, we all could go and there would BE. NO. TRAFFIC! And of course I am never the "guy in front of you".

And you obsess about this guy. You've been staring at the back of his head for so long you want to be him. "If I could be him, that would be great. No wait. I want to be in front of him. That would be great. If I could just be right there in that spot, that would be great."

Of course when you get to where he is, you're still not happy. "Look where he is now, the lucky sonovabitch. He's still doing better than me. All these people are looking back and staring at me. I know it."

The only way to feel better is to turn around and look at the people behind you. "Yeah well, at least I'm ahead of those losers." We just want to be better off than somebody. At the very least.