I hate taking naps in the middle of the day. I always end up having very weird ass dreams. Today was no exception.
I dreamt I was on The Jay Leno Show, or whatever the heck it's called. At first I was just standing in the green room wondering who else was on the show...there seemed to be an awful lot of security around. Some really big dudes. I figured that Mr. Leno must be pretty paranoid to have so much security. There was a guy in a pith helmet and a tranquilizer gun standing in the corner. I thought to myself, "Maybe Jack Hanna is on the show. I like zoo animals. Maybe there are some exotic animals on the show." I think I'm gonna be petting some koala bear or something, but no. It's freakin' Mike Tyson! Just sitting in a chair, salvatating, waiting to take a chunk outta me.
During this whole dream, I never sat actually sat down. That is something I strangely remember quite clearly. I went out there and Leno is sitting at his desk, or as I was really thinking: a potential shield. Mike Tyson was sitting next to me with absolutely no type of barrier whatsoever. No weapon, no obstacle, nothing. So I had to make sure I didn't sit down all the way. I had one cheek on the edge of the chair at all times. So if something broke out, I was heading for the nearest emergency exit. I was like an Olympic sprinter. I was in the blocks. I was looking at Leno like, "Ok, as soon as this guys snaps, just give me the sign. And I am outta here."
I felt like that lady from, "When Animals Attack" videos. Remember when that bear jumped that woman? That's what I felt like. Any minute this man is going to maul me to death. And I didn't want to look at him either. He's got that weird-ass tattoo on his face. He looks like a Borg from Star Trek. Then he started talking to me. I don't remember the whole thing, but I think he said he liked my socks, and I wasn't wearing any. I'm thinking, "Did I hear the starting gun? Because I'm about to take off."
During the commercial break he actually talked to me. He wanted to know what kind of guys I like. Oh crap. I didn't think I should say what I wanted to say, which was, "Not you." So I told him I liked albino midgets. That was as far away from describing him that I could think of. Then I woke up.
That had to be one of the weirdest dreams I have ever had. But I am so glad that's all it was. By the way; I have no idea why I was on the Leno show in the first place. Just thought of that. Weird.