Saturday, February 11, 2006

Look What I Got!

Not even halfway thru February, and I got my daffodils already...I love Spring! (I feel kinda bad posting this, since the people in the East just got dumped on by a ton of snow. Sorry.)

I just have to tell this...

Now, I'm not the type of girl who condones revenge (unless it's the literary variety) because it always boomerangs. I'm the walk away and chalk it up to experience type of gal -- but not all of my friends are as prudent. Especially when they've been betrayed by a lover.

One observation before I get into today's tale: in situations where a woman discovers that her partner has been cheating on her, a baffling number seek revenge against the Other Woman.

To this, I must ask: Why? Unless the Other Woman is a friend or relative, she is not accountable or beholden to you. Direct your anger where it belongs: squarely at the doorstep of your cheating partner. The Other Woman may not even know you exist. She made no promises, explicit or otherwise, to honour the bond between you and your partner - he did. He's been lying to you all along - chances are he's been lying to her as well. Unless and until you have solid proof of the Other Woman's perfidy, take the high road - at least as far as she is concerned. (All bets are off, naturally, if she gets in your face, interferes with your life, gloats or otherwise makes it apparent that she is delighting in rubbing your nose in it.)

And now, on with the show. (names have been slightly altered)

Melissa and Jack had been living together for 7 months and were, Melissa believed, quite happy and well suited.

Jack's job required him to be impeccably dressed and much of their spare time was spent outfitting Jack at great expense. Melissa's closet contained a modest selection of well-made separates. Jack, on the other hand, had no fewer than 35 designer suits, custom made shirts worth $200 a pop, silk ties and a wide selection of top of the line shoes, coats and about 40 sweaters, most of them cashmere. So extensive was Jack's wardrobe that their spare bedroom had been transformed into a walk in closet, meticulously organized and lovingly maintained. In fact, Jack was such a fervent clothes horse that Melissa reported that there were times when the electricity bills would be neglected so that he could purchase an item he "absolutely needed" for work. His clothing bills were so exorbitant that most months, Melissa paid the rent and the bills - despite the fact that Jack made more than she did.

One morning last month, in the mad confusion to get out the door, Melissa mistakenly grabbed Jack's cell phone instead of her own. During the day, she received no fewer than 5 text messages on Jack's phone, each more erotically explicit than the last. Intrigued and more than a little pissed, Melissa responded to them, pretending to be Jack. She soon discovered that he had been carrying on with a young associate at another firm for at least 6 months. Naturally, she was incensed, upset and grimly determined to exact revenge.

She took the rest of the day off and sprang into action. She closed their joint account, gave written notice on their apartment and paid through the nose to have her belongings immediately removed to a storage facility. She cancelled her cell phone account so he couldn't contact her easily and then went home to Mother.

As a final farewell, Melissa gathered up every single one of Jack's suits. She took all his shirts, all his sweaters, every coat, each pair of shoes. She even took his underwear and socks. In fact, Melissa made off with every piece of clothing Jack possessed apart from the stuff he was wearing.

Having a shrewd idea that Jack would sue her ass off if anything happened to his beloved wardrobe, she did not destroy a thing. Instead, Melissa took every stitch he owned and divided them between several upscale dry cleaners and shoe repair facilities. She gave instructions to replace all the buttons on each of his shirts, to have every pair of his shoes resoled and have all of his suits taken in by an inch at the waist and shortened at the hem and cuffs.

By the time Jack arrived home that evening, he found an apartment devoid of furniture and all his clothing. In their place was a pile of dry cleaning receipts, requiring Jack to pay well over $2,500 to liberate his clothing.

I can imagine Jack was quite surprised - but that's nothing to the astonishment that will descend on the next 1st. of the month - when the new tenants move in.

Now that is how things should be done.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

How to be a Toad-Cock at the Grocery Store

I read an interesting and amusing article the other day which described the annoying and inconsiderate behaviors that people display at the gym- such as hogging equipment, or trying to talk to you when you're working out. But most public venues can be a showcase for inconsiderate behavior and nowhere is this more evident than at the average grocery store.

Perhaps it's the gravitation of humans to food, recalling the days of hunter-gatherer society- everyone for themselves! When humans congregate around a dinner table, it is usually imperative that we behave like civilized beings, but when out hunting, we seem to revert to the days of the Bog People. Combine that with people who all seem to be oblivious, self-absorbed and poorly socialized; and among the shelves of canned peas and frozen foods, you too can discover a wealth of perfect jerks.

How to be a Toad Cock at the Grocery Store.

1.) Go dazedly amidst the noise and haste- and remember to make sure to leave your grocery cart right at the narrowest spot in the aisle so that it blocks the way for everyone else. Also, if there is a cart parked on one side of the aisle, park yours on the other side, thwarting anyone who wants to pass, or turn it so it's perpendicular to the aisle, completely blocking the way. That's always fun.

2.) Other people? Who are they? That's not your concern. If you want to stop and have a long, animated conversation with a friend, it's not your problem if people can't get past you. Oh, and by all means, blab on your cell phone while navigating your cart. Not only are you not paying attention to where you're going, you're also forcing the rest of us to hear your inane conversations. Why bother to wait until you get home to make that phone call? And if someone is attempting to reach an object, that's the perfect time to stand right in front of it while you blab away. Hey, this call is IMPORTANT!

3.) If you have kids, remember that the entire world revolves around you and them. And don't worry- everyone will find his or her antics to be adorable! For example, make sure that you let your small child push a heavy, overloaded grocery cart around, especially at the busiest times of day! Don't worry if the little angel rams into other shoppers or knocks objects off the shelves- it's cute! And while everyone else's children need discipline, yours don't- so treat the store as if it were your home and let them run around, screaming and unsupervised. And those huge kiddy wagons aren't an inconvenience at all, even if they are the size of a minivan! Park them anywhere you want. And remember, the best time of day to bring your entire brood of children is when it's the busiest time of day! Everything has to be for the children, including the grocery store.

4.) When you are waiting in line, wait until the last minute to get your cash or debit card out. That's also a good time to decide to get into an argument with the cashier about the price of something, forcing her to get out the circular ad while everyone else waits for you. Insist that she go over every single item on the receipt. Let's face it people-twelve cents is twelve cents! And of course, being rude, abusive and insulting to the teenage cashier will most certainly obtain the best results.

5.) No matter how many times in your life you have been shopping, you have to instantly forget how to do it as soon as you enter the grocery store. For instance, don't bother to wait until the person in front of you is finished with their load before you start dumping yours onto the conveyor belt. And remember, butting your cart into someone else's backside will make the line go faster. Really!

6.) Why bother helping the cashier bag groceries? It's so complicated and time consuming! Let her do it, even if it will save YOU some time and makes the line go faster. Even if it's just six items- it's still HER job!

7.) No reason you have to move any faster than a Galapagos tortoise, especially when someone is trying to get at an item on the shelf and you're standing in front of it. And no need to look behind you! Just stop suddenly and back up! You have all the time in the world- so what if the woman behind you just saw her bus leave the stop?

8.) If someone politely says, "excuse me" hoping, perhaps, that you might let them pass, or do something to prevent your children from pulling objects off the shelves, look at them as if they puked or suggested you pick your nose and eat it. They are the ones being inconsiderate, not you. Sigh...

Sunday, February 05, 2006

Smorgasbord (Is that how you spell it?)

Ok. Hi there. Sorry I've been lazy about posting but I, uh... Oh, who am I kidding? I have no excuse except laziness and writers block.

There are plenty of times through out my day, when something happens or I see something, or read something, and I think, "I should write about that." Or, "That would make an interesting article." But then I can't figure out how to stretch that one subject into something worth while to read.

So, here is my plan, and you have to bear with me. You get to be bombarded with MULTIPLE SUBJECTS today. (That is to be said in a kind of deep voice that could scare small children.) Here goes:

  • I was so proud of myself the other day when I bought a can of Pringles. It said on the can, "0 grams of trans fat!". But I bought the can with the trivia Q & A's printed on the chips. What the heck is the blue writing made from? Answer: Red #40, Blue #1. Is this bad?
  • Did you know that "grasa" means "fat" in Spanish? I learned that while reading labels on food products that are now bilingual. This kind of concerns me.
  • This is freaking funny. Although my Mother and possible others could be mildly offended, check it out anyway.
  • Hide the remote from your spouse or significant other for about an hour. You couldn't buy that kind of entertainment.
  • I'm glad the Steelers won the Super Bowl. Not sure why, since I am a Vikings fan myself. Maybe it's a Midwest thing?
  • My electricity keeps flickering. But only in parts of the house. Actually it shuts completely off except in the kitchen. Which, of course, everything works in the kitchen except the fridge, and the microwave. How messed up is that? Can we say "fire hazard, everyone?"
  • One of my dogs decided they needed to poop right in the middle of the back step. My son witnessed this. I stepped outside for a minute. I stepped in the middle of said giant pile of poo. My son says, "Oh yeah, Harpo pooped on the step mom. Watch out for that." Is there anyone else out there that thinks that there is something wrong with this scenario?
  • Although the media seems to think that all chicks would like to see Brokeback Mountain, I have to say, that I personally have no desire to do so. In fact, I was pissed off when the (gay themed) movie ruined my perfect fantasy image of Heath Ledger altogether. Totally pissed me off. People that are gay are fine with me, whatever. But not in my personal fantasies. Crap, thanks Heath. Cute Heath. Here too. But here is Icky Heath. Ugh.
  • I've decided that if I was ever a radio talk show host, (Yes, for some reason I think about these things.) the kind that gives out advice...I would NEVER ask them to call back at a later date to let me know what happened. EVER. It would drive me nuts to know if this person who stayed on hold forever to talk to my glorious self on the radio, then told me and my millions of listeners their "issues", did or didn't follow my advice. Because if they didn't, I would wonder why I was wasting my time. How do these talk show people do this? One would think it would make them want to bitch slap the caller, when they find out that they didn't even try. What a waste. It's like calling 911, telling them all about why you need an ambulance, getting them all worked up, and then telling the operator never mind, you'll figure it out. Sigh...

I'm tired...I have tons more little stupid things that I think about on a daily basis. I actually had a goal of more than this to write tonight. Perhaps another time.