Wednesday, February 13, 2008

I Only Eat The Green M &M's. They're good for you, Like Broccoli.

Like many other people nowadays, the husband and I are very concerned about our health and personal hygiene, which is why we spend a lot of time getting information on these topics while sitting on the couch eating Cheetohs and watching TV.

There's a lot of stuff to be absorbed, so following a commercial, we will typically have an in-depth discussion about what we've learned.

"What the hell was that all about?" we both said at the same time after one advertisement.

It featured an older man and either his daughter or his under-aged wife, who were sitting at the dinner table eating.

But this had something to do with promoting nutrients in your diet and how everyone should have a "variety of colors" of food on their plate.

"Cheetohs are very colorful," I observed out loud as I reached into the bag and pulled out one of the puffy bright orange sticks. "Do you think that's what they mean?"

"Nah," the husband disagreed. "I think they're talking about things like M&Ms, Skittles, LifeSavers and gummi bears."'s not just for Halloween anymore...

The man on the TV also kept looking at his left wrist while he ate.

"Why do you keep looking at your watch?" his dinner partner demanded to know.

"Are you scheduled to shoot a Geritol commercial next or something?"

"I'm looking at my watch because by eating more slowly and monitoring my food intake, it will add 20 healthy years to my life," the man explained. "And it takes 20 minutes for the stomach to signal the brain that it's full."

I wondered if this applied to other bodily functions as well.

"What about sex?" I asked the husband "Every woman knows that sometimes that only takes five minutes to register..."

The Husband wasn't quite sure whether to be offended or not.

"Not that anyone should be staring at their watch or anything," I quickly added.

Husband-head ignored me and played with his Cheetoh instead.

Our most recent personal hygiene lesson came from a commercial that introduced the "ManGroomer" - a handy, dandy little device that "painlessly" removes unwanted hair from a man's back.

It is apparently an electric device equipped with a 1 1/2-inch blade that you put behind your shoulders to shave your upper and lower back.

"Good Lord," I said as I watched the demonstration. "I thought the nicks from shaving my legs were bad. That thing could take out an entire artery!"

Husband-head looked rather aghast.

But the device, which sells for $39.99, promised improvements in the romance department by using it.

"Start up that spark in your relationship or marriage by surprising your partner with a smooth sexy back - not the ape look..." it said.

Personally, I don't have a problem with male hair. Men have hair - that's what they do. Maybe not so much on their head as they get older, but it's generally under their arms, on their legs, chests and other places.

Now men with stubble on their backs - from skipping a session or two with the ManGroomer - would kinda freak me out.

But the makers of the ManGroomer insist that being a "hairy guy" is not a good thing and should not be displayed in public.

"Shave your back privately, easily, quickly, painlessly and inexpensively with ManGroomer before going in any public venue your back may be exposed, such as the beach, pool party or a sporting event."

We assume this would especially be true before rushing off to the emergency room at a hospital where one is likely to don a backless robe.

"I know I'm bleeding out of my eyes and ears, but I have to shave my back before we go!" a hairy man might insist before seeking medical attention.

The Husband and I decided that we really weren't into healthy habits or hairy backs.
So instead, we made some popcorn instead.