Monday, December 11, 2006

Burly needs a break.

Okay, Kim"burly" says she is just too darn busy to write, so you are stuck with me. For those of you who may not know me, I am Sonja, Kim's best friend for over 20 years (whether she admits to it or not). I may not be near as creative or colorful as Burly, but at least it is something new to read. Now that the intro is taking care of, down to business.
I thought that I may write about the wonderful holiday season, as I have recently taken a seasonal job as a "Customer Service Representative" for Harry and David's inbound call center. After three days of "my-ass-is-numb" training in how to use their software program, proper phone etiquette and getting the instructor's nasty cold; we were thrown into shifts starting at 6 a.m. of 6 hours a day. They warned us that within our first 2-3 days we will be monitored to make sure we are doing our best and up-selling/cross-selling/giving the proper specials at the correct times, keeping our average call time down to 7 minutes and 45 seconds (we get bonuses that way).
My only concern was "Gee-Golly, I hope I don't cuss...out loud anyway".
My first call came in...I was shaky, my eyes darted around to see if anyone was within earshot to overhear me totally messing it up, knuckles white, I plunged.
ME: "Thank you for calling..."
CUSTOMER: "Your talking too fast."
Screech. ME: Okay, My Mind is saying-"GAWD HOW OLD ARE YOU? LIKE 101?" So I proceeded like I was talking to a 2 year old explaining the ins/outs of wall sockets and pennies.
ME: "", well, you get it.
CUSTOMER: "What number are you talking about, I don't see any number."
ME: ""
CUSTOMER: "I know what you said, I ain't a fu**ing retard." Blink.
ME: My Mind-OH MY GAWD, DID SHE JUST SAY FU**ING?, I nearly burst out laughing, it sounded absolutely ridiculous coming out of an OLD, I mean OLD, lady's mouth. For this reason, she earned a nickname, now she will be known as FOL (F**king Old Lady). Okay self, control the giggle. Now I had to decide...I could try to pull up her account another way, or I could continue and see how pissed an old lady could get me and probably get the "assist staff" involved-hmmmm.
ME: ""
FOL: "Oh, there it is, is it in pink?"
By now I knew that all the rest of my calls are going to have to be 60 seconds or less to get my bonus-because there is no way that I was going to end this transaction in under an hour.
ME: "Yes, that is it."
FOL: "Hold on, I need to get my glasses."
ME: My Mind, "@#%&*$!!!!!!"
FOL: "Okay are you ready sweetheart?"
ME: My mind, "Huh? She DID NOT just call me sweetheart."
Out loud: "Yes ma'am."
FOL: "0137......oh sh*t, is that a 5 or a 6?"
ME: My Mind, "Fu** lady, I don't know." Out loud: "We could try it both ways if you would like."
FOL: "Aren't you the smart one?! Okay, here goes..Are you ready?"
ME: My Mind, "Like fu**ing five years ago!!!!" Outloud: "Yes ma'am".
As you can probably imagine, the order took 47 minutes, 1 item sent to a brother-in-law, a grand total of $38.05. Not once did I cuss, spit, throw myself into the computer-or make a single smart-ass remark. A personal best, I think.
The moral of this story-Remember the whole reason why we have a holiday season. Although you are stressed, tired and just plain fu**ing sick of everything and could go off the deep end at anyone/anything at anytime-BE NICE...Out loud anyway.

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