Monday, January 29, 2007

To Spoon, or Not to Spoon

Theoretically, marriage is all about two people becoming as One. But in the real world--and let's be really clear about this--you ain't One. You're Two. And there's only so much two people can blend.

Like in bed. For all the advantages of sleeping next to another person, it's not always easy to figure out where everything goes. And before your minds step right into that gutter, I'm talking about arms and legs. Arms and legs that didn't bother you all day are suddenly a burden.

Many people opt to minimize their Limb Placement decisions by sleeping on their own side of the Team Bed, an approach known as "Individual Free-Style Sleep". But even here there are choices to be made.

My husband is a big fan of the popular "One Arm Across Your Forehead, the Other Hand Resting Nicely on Your Groin". (When I questioned him about this one morning early on in our relationship, he stated, "Nine out of ten men sleep with at least one hand guarding their crotch. Not that this really protects anything, but if anyone tries to attack or pilfer, you're at least notified, and have a shot at dissuading them." I thought he was kidding at the time. He wasn't.)

But the real challenge is when you have four arms and legs to find homes for. Not so easy.

You got your "Her Head on His Chest, His Arm Around Her Shoulder" model, noted for it's easy-access Chest Hair Fondling; there's the "Face Each Other and One of You Wrap Your Upper Leg Around the Other One's Legs," or the easy-to-remember "Lie There on Top of Each Other Supporting Your Partners Body Weight With Your Own Rib Cage," which again--effective for conversation but not really suited for lengthy, sleep-oriented couplings.

For sleep, of course, you have the classic "Spoon" and "Reverse Spoon, both enjoyable, but tough when it comes to breathing. One of you will suffocate, and I've always believed there is no point in being cozy if you are dead.

Then you have the Thermal Level to contend with. Not only are two people in the same bed never the same temperature, they're not even close. One is freezing and the other is boiling. There is no middle range. And you're both upset that you're partner doesn't see it your way. "How could you be cold?" he asked me. "I'm sweating rain forests here...come on, be like me. Be hot." The contention being that if the other person is uncomfortable, they should at least be uncomfortable in the same thermal direction as you. Gee, okay honey.


  1. Monkee10:09 AM

    Very funny post. The Husband and I had these same issues, then we ended up with eight cats, several of which have claimed large portions of the bed, now we just sleep where we can find space. It's every man for himself on our bed.

  2. Or should you say every cat?