The Rules, Mom Style

I've been thinking about some things in the last few days off I've had before I start my new job today. It's funny how I started thinking that I wanted to be a stay at home mom again. But I have since realized it's easier on my sanity to work outside the home. So here are a few realism's:

*Mothers only offer advice on two occasions: when you want it and when you don’t..and when you think you don't, we will convince you that you do.

*A mother’s love is a better cure than chicken soup, but chicken soup is cheaper.

*Your mother is the only person that knows more about you than you know about yourself. And if you try to tell us different; you're wrong anyway.

*Any time you are unable to solve a problem, ask your mother. She probably won’t know either, but she will fake it. (One of my sharpest talents BTW)

*Maternal instinct is stronger than any force known except maybe an IRS collection agent.

*The more you try to stay on your mother’s good side the harder it will be to figure out which side this is. (Actually I think this applies to all women, not just mothers.)

*The motherly advice you ignore will always turn out to be the best advice she ever gave you.

*Just so you don't forget, mom will remind you of all your mistakes so you don’t repeat them.

*Anything you do can be criticized, eh, cough...um...evaluated by your mother - even doing nothing.

*Never criticize your mother’s cooking if you expect to get any more of it.

*If you think you have any secrets from your mother, remember who has changed your diapers.

*You can’t "out mom!" your mother. Don’t even try.

*Never lie to your mother. And if you do, never think you got away with it.

*The harder you try to hide something from your mother, the more she resembles a web cam.

*(The older you are, the more you feel like a child around your mother.

*All mother’s have a "How To" manual. That’s because they wrote the book.

*Mother’s way is best. If you don’t believe it, ask her.

*Everything is a good idea till you mother finds out and tells you why it isn’t.

*If you don’t have time to study the drivers’ manual, drive your mother somewhere and you will soon get a quick refresher course.

*When you are broke, ask mom for a loan. She will help you remember what you wasted all your money on.

*The more expensive the gift you give your mother, the longer she will "save" it before she uses it.

*No matter how wrong you are, your mother will not hold it against you. She may remind you a number of times, but she will not hold it against you.

*No matter how much you eat, you can never get so fat that mother will not offer you more food.

*If a mother does not have an item in the cupboard, she will have the recipe or the directions.

*The more times mother reminds you to take an umbrella, the greater the probability of rain. (Goes with jackets and cold weather, too)

*Accomplishments are made possible by your mother - failures on the other hand, are your own fault.

*Never forget who rocked you as a baby. That’s something else you will never be able to repay her for.

*Mother can always tell you a better way to do something after you’ve already done it.

*No matter how small your mom is, she will always be bigger than you are.

*The more you detest an item that belongs to your mother, the more likely it is that she will try to give it to you. (I think I have a lamp that fits that category.)

*If you do it yourself, mom could have done it better. If mom does it, you should have done it yourself.

*The only thing more accurate than a mother’s advice is her memory of the times you didn’t take it.

*The funnier the joke is, the more likely mom will think it is dirty.

*Never tell your mother you have nothing to do. She can always find something.

*There are always two sides to a story - the way it really happened and the way mother remembers it.

*Mothers always "know." We don’t know how - we just do.