Wednesday, October 29, 2008

The Not So Exciting Adventures of Super Sonja and Her Blankie, Otherwise Known as Super Juan

A messed up dream I had, mixing reality with cartoon and um...80's rap? (This Story is best read out loud in your best imitation of the voice over guy (William Conrad) from the Rock and Bullwinkle show.)

In a land, not so very far away...just over the hill really, wandered a poor, lost girl, named Kimberly. She really had to potty.

She wandered far and wide, wide and far, but to no avail, she still could not find a toilet.

Soon it was late, our heroine had climbed over hill and dale and rock and river, crossing her legs the whole time. She did not know what to do, and her bladder was near to bursting.

When all of a sudden she heard a cussing coming from the woods in front of her. Bursting through the trees, appeared a tall, lanky blond woman.

"Never fear. Super Sonja is here." she announced, feet braced apart with her hands on her hips. She had a very colorful Mexican type blanket draped over her shoulder.

"Super who?," asked the ever dubious Kimberly, who was trying to look unafraid while standing with her legs crossed and the whites of her eyeballs slowly turning yellow.

Shaking her blonde hair out of her eyes and picking shrubbery from her shirt the woman said, "I am Super Sonja. And this," gesturing to her blanket thing, "is Super Juan. We are hear to save you."

"How did you know I needed saving? I just need to pee."

"Yes, I know. I have the special ability to detect when a fellow woman has to tinkle. And also when she shows the aversion to peeing in the woods. Some super heroes can fly, or freeze things using only their eyeballs, I however detect bladder spasms. Such is life." she explains with a shrug. "So you want my help or not?"

"Yes!" Kimberly cried. She no longer cared how crazy this situation was. She was getting desperate.

Calmly Super Sonja explained to Kimberly what she needed to do to pee in the woods safely. She handed her a mag-lite flashlight, steered her towards some choice shrubbery, and told her to do her business while she stood guard over her.

Suddenly while Kimberly was in mid-stream, there was a crashing from the bushes to her left. A ginormous opossum leaped out at Kimberly, gnashing teeth and standing on it's hind legs! Kimberly screamed . She waved her flashlight at it, but to no avail. Apparently opossums have an immunity to women with there pants down around their ankles.

Just as quickly though there came a blur of color through the air, and Kimberly was soon enveloped by Super Juan. The opossum could not fight such a formidable foe and hightailed it through the woods whence it came.

Standing and pulling her pants up with one hand, still clutching the flashlight and Super Juan with the other, Kimberly turned towards her savior. "Thank you so much Super Sonja! How will I ever repay you?"

While arranging Super Juan back onto her shoulder, she says," Don't thank me, thank Super Juan. And just remember this:

The 'S' is for super, and the 'U' is for unique
The 'P' is for perfection and you know that we are freaks
The 'E' is for exotic, and the 'R' is for raps
So tell those nosy people just to stay the hell back.

The end.

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