Things You Should Never Say To The Express Lane Cashier

• "Are you open?" Me, in my head: "Is my "Closed" sign sitting on my counter not two feet from your face? Is my light turned off, indicating that I am in fact closed? Am I looking at you like you are the biggest shit head ever? Then, yes, I guess I'm closed."
• "Is this the express lane?" Me in my head: "If you had bothered to look up and see the sign that says "express", then maybe, just maybe, you could have saved yourself from stating the stupidest question today. Yes, 10 items or less."
  
• "I have more then ten, is that OK?" No that is not OK. If it was OK, then I wouldn't be the express lane now would I?
• "I have more than ten, but there is no one behind me." (As they start unloading their 23 items) There is no one behind you because I am the express lane. The second I start ringing you up, I will have 15 irritated people, each holding one slice of pizza because they are on their lunch break, behind you. After you leave I will get the stink eye from each and every one of them as I ring up the empty pizza plates, since they ate their lunch while waiting in line behind your inconsiderate ass.
• "All my 34 separately bagged bulk items count as one right? Because they are all granola of some kind." Are you fucking kidding me? You know better. How could you even say that with a straight face?
• "Why don't they make all the debit card machines the same?" Gee, I guess they didn't get my memo about making them all the same. How the fuck should I know? I am just a cashier for cripes sake!
• "My total is $10.63? I have 63 cents." Then proceeds to pick and choose which state quarters they can part with and which ones they cant and then count out 13 pennies from the bottom recesses of their purse, and eventually have to untangle the last one from a wrinkled up old Kleenex. Yuck!! I really have no comment to this.
• "Oh, do you have any Alaska quarters?" This said by the same person that just gave me the snotty penny, after I just closed the drawer and scrubbed my hands with anti bacterial stuff. No, sorry. All Oregon, I just checked.
  

I have more, but my left hand is numb and it's hard to type. I wish I were a super hero....I don't know where that came from.