Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Ode to Blondie (might offend the closet-dirty-minded and conservative or most likely just my mom)

Once upon a time there was a baby born. A screaming, ninja of a blond baby.  This baby was the loudest baby ever to have graced this earth.  Seriously, you have no idea.  This baby would just never shut up. Shit you not, no stopping the lungs on this kid.

Wait, I can't write this.  I was going to write a sort-of-true-ish fairy tale commemorating the birth of my best friend Sonja.  Of course I was trying to do it in a style that would prevent her from getting a fat(ter) head; thus the derogatory comments about her giant lungs. But I just can't do it.  Unfortunately my imagination is defunct tonight, but my memory is just fine. Pretty much anyway.

I cannot tell a lie.  OK I lied. I can, but what-the-fuck-ever; it's my blog and I will claim un-truths as truths, and as I see fit.  And if you understand even a little of that last sentence, you are freaking awesome. For realzies.

"Break 1-7."
"Go ahead break."
"Thanks. Hey! Blondie!  You gotta copy on Sunny Day?"
"Yeah, this's Blondie."
"Hey, travel down two."
"Break 1-5".

We were so damn cool.

So here goes.  I am going to attempt to make a tribute to Sonja's birthday.  We all would like to commemorate the day that she erupted from her mother's vagina with a squall and a fart (that's how I heard it anyway) and say Happy Birthday!

If you had not been born I would have had no one to "teach" me how to fight at Meadow Park while we skipped school.

If you had got stuck upside down and never been born, I would not have had someone to hand me my first cigarette.  (gee thanks)  lol

If you had not been born, I would be in prison or at least had a juvie record for bashing in Chris McCoy's knee with the baseball bat in high school. Thanks for stopping me.

If not for the fact that your mom actually had the strength to push your fat head out of her orifice, I would have punched that window back then with the wire mesh inside it and I would probably be typing this one-handed.

If not for you, I would never had realized just how retarded I was when I wanted to punch you for laughing at me when I flew off the mechanical bull and landed ass-first on my hat.  I was an ass-hat.  You were the bigger person.  Show off.

If not for you I would have never been scared shitless about a cougar.  Imaginary or real, the fear is the same I don't care who you are.

Thank you for not making fun of me for being vegetarian while you sit on the phone talking to me while holding a rifle so you can shoot the deer crossing your yard. And thanks for trying the chili I made with VeggieMeat.  (your giant child-man ate two bowls if I remember right)

If you had not been born I would have probably gotten the crap kicked outta me numerous times.  I can hold my own, don't get me wrong, but you make my imaginary balls bigger.  And not in a "gay" way. Seriously, is there a way to say this shit without sounding "gay"?  And when I say "gay" I mean it in the "retarded" sense, not in the homophobic sense. And when I say "retarded" I don't mean it in a derogatory sense, just in the sense that some people are just plain ol' stupid.(It is so hard to be PC these days . . . five friggin pages of disclaimers kinda takes away the moment ya know?) Fuck.

If not for you, I would have forgotten just how awesome I am or can be.  I tend to forget and you remind me.  "I said what!?  I did that?  Oh shit I forgot all about that.  You are right, that was fun as hell!"  How many times have I said it? Never.

If not for you, I would never have known just how much the feel of a dry, warm sweatshirt feels at the end of a long-ass walk, in the dark, down hill, with a POS flashlight, and a cougar-bear-fucking-sasquach stawking us.

If you had not been born this day, I would never had had the occasion to yell, "Fuckng lean!  Not my way!  Your way, lean!".

If it had been just me out in the hills "Clarkin'", I don't know if I ever would have discovered Ostrich Point without you.  

I would have never known that the decapitated head of a deer packed in a box with styrofoam, strapped down in a hurry, could tumble as far as it did, if you were not my best friend.

If you had been given to gypsies after you were spewed and freed from your placenta connection, I like to think that we would have met anyway; wondering about how we oddly we look alike, but also instinctively knowing that this was a person we knew we could trust.

But seriously, if you had not been born, I am not sure how my life would have turned out.  At different times you have been my friend, my savior, my conscience, my confessor and my sounding board or even the person that told me "what for".  There were moments when I thought all was lost and you pulled me out, so I guess what I want to say is:  I'm glad that we were able to recognize our coolness in each other,  I love you and Happy Birthday!

No comments:

Post a Comment