Adventures in Nutria Land

Last night, one of my dogs, Mazzy caught a nutria. Again. In case you are unaware of what exactly a nutria is check this out.

This time, it was I that was in the back yard with the dogs. Mazzy caught it trying to be sneaky and hide in the blackberry bushes, but she was having none of that. I don't know how she does it, when the other dogs just walk on by not realizing that there is a giant rat in the shrubbery, she just hones right in. She seems to just chomp down on it, breaking it's back then squeezes until it stops breathing.

This one was so huge that she had to drag it out of the blackberries to show me, instead of carrying it. Of course she dropped it before it was totally dead. I was unaware of that when I went to go look at it.

I had gone in the house to get a flashlight to "check it out", and after shining the light on it, it started hopping around but only moving the rear of it's body. Apparently Mazzy had given it injuries that paralyzed the front half of it's body and not the back, so it was jumping and trying to run using only it's hind feet. But sadly the resulting effect was just to continuously slam it's own face into the ground. I, uh went in the house after that. Shall I say, icky?

I called my husband at work to let him know that there was a half-dead-injured-possibly-paralyzed-giant nutria dragging itself around the back yard and could he please dispose of it when he gets home. (The usual "disposing" is picking it up with a shovel and catapulting it into the empty but blackberry over- grown lot behind our yard.) Of course he had to repeat back to me everything I said in his not so sneaky way of sharing with his co-workers the goings on of our house hold, so they can get a chuckle at our wild life.

So last night when he got home, he grabbed my son, the flashlight and the shovel to do the deed. With my son holding the flashlight, my husband examined the now dead body. He announced that "yup, it's in full rigor". What is this, CSI? Just fling it over the fence for shit's sake! I was half expecting him to whip out a thermometer thingee and take it's liver temp to determine time of death. Jeez.

Well, apparently things can't go smoothly in my household. Husband went to shovel it up and he realized he might want to get a bigger shovel. Perhaps a snow shovel if we owned one? Oh well, so with a third of the corpse hanging over on either side of the shovel, my big, strong husband flung with all his might. The body hit an almost solid wall of blackberries approximately ten feet up and rolled back down. EWWW! He makes another Herculean attempt, but to no avail, it rolled down once again. By then he was cussing and swearing that the thing weighed at least 50 lbs. (I don't know if you looked at the link above, but I think the max weight is 20 lbs. but what do I know?)

So here is something interesting that capped off the night. We have a fence that we put up to reinforce an old one. The old one and the new one are six inches from each other parallel and made out of wire. Some how on his third attempt, with my son laughing his head off, my dear sweet husband hurled the dead, giant rodent and it hit the slightly taller rear wire fence, rolled down and is now currently stuck between the the rear fence and the new fence. And it's not coming out. Its like a bug stuck between two microscope slides. But way more gross. I love my husband. Sigh.

So in the mean time I found something amusing. To me anyway. And this is only part one. More to come. If you like B movie flicks, I think you'll like this. And it was filmed in Oregon.

The Rules, Mom Style

I've been thinking about some things in the last few days off I've had before I start my new job today. It's funny how I started thinking that I wanted to be a stay at home mom again. But I have since realized it's easier on my sanity to work outside the home. So here are a few realism's:

*Mothers only offer advice on two occasions: when you want it and when you don’t..and when you think you don't, we will convince you that you do.

*A mother’s love is a better cure than chicken soup, but chicken soup is cheaper.

*Your mother is the only person that knows more about you than you know about yourself. And if you try to tell us different; you're wrong anyway.

*Any time you are unable to solve a problem, ask your mother. She probably won’t know either, but she will fake it. (One of my sharpest talents BTW)

*Maternal instinct is stronger than any force known except maybe an IRS collection agent.

*The more you try to stay on your mother’s good side the harder it will be to figure out which side this is. (Actually I think this applies to all women, not just mothers.)

*The motherly advice you ignore will always turn out to be the best advice she ever gave you.

*Just so you don't forget, mom will remind you of all your mistakes so you don’t repeat them.

*Anything you do can be criticized, eh, cough...um...evaluated by your mother - even doing nothing.

*Never criticize your mother’s cooking if you expect to get any more of it.

*If you think you have any secrets from your mother, remember who has changed your diapers.

*You can’t "out mom!" your mother. Don’t even try.

*Never lie to your mother. And if you do, never think you got away with it.

*The harder you try to hide something from your mother, the more she resembles a web cam.

*(The older you are, the more you feel like a child around your mother.

*All mother’s have a "How To" manual. That’s because they wrote the book.

*Mother’s way is best. If you don’t believe it, ask her.

*Everything is a good idea till you mother finds out and tells you why it isn’t.

*If you don’t have time to study the drivers’ manual, drive your mother somewhere and you will soon get a quick refresher course.

*When you are broke, ask mom for a loan. She will help you remember what you wasted all your money on.

*The more expensive the gift you give your mother, the longer she will "save" it before she uses it.

*No matter how wrong you are, your mother will not hold it against you. She may remind you a number of times, but she will not hold it against you.

*No matter how much you eat, you can never get so fat that mother will not offer you more food.

*If a mother does not have an item in the cupboard, she will have the recipe or the directions.

*The more times mother reminds you to take an umbrella, the greater the probability of rain. (Goes with jackets and cold weather, too)

*Accomplishments are made possible by your mother - failures on the other hand, are your own fault.

*Never forget who rocked you as a baby. That’s something else you will never be able to repay her for.

*Mother can always tell you a better way to do something after you’ve already done it.

*No matter how small your mom is, she will always be bigger than you are.

*The more you detest an item that belongs to your mother, the more likely it is that she will try to give it to you. (I think I have a lamp that fits that category.)

*If you do it yourself, mom could have done it better. If mom does it, you should have done it yourself.

*The only thing more accurate than a mother’s advice is her memory of the times you didn’t take it.

*The funnier the joke is, the more likely mom will think it is dirty.

*Never tell your mother you have nothing to do. She can always find something.

*There are always two sides to a story - the way it really happened and the way mother remembers it.

*Mothers always "know." We don’t know how - we just do.

NFL Sickness

A severe affliction is sweeping the nation. It manifests itself in the fall of the year in a mysterious syndrome which usually lasts until about February, although in a few especially vulnerable people, it has been known to continue in sporadic episodes throughout the year.

There is little or no hope for those individuals who contract the ailment. While women are not immune, it seems to strike the male gender more frequently and with greater severely. Often the sick individual fails to recognize the disorder and will insist that he or she is perfectly well and everyone else is sick.

While this syndrome has no agreed upon medical name, it is sometimes referred to as "NFL Fever". Here are the danger signs:

You have more than one big screen TV.

You record one game on the VCR while watching another.

You argue with instant replays.

You spend every vacation visiting NFL cities and checking out sports stadiums.

Your beer bill during football season exceeds the family grocery bill.

You need a day off work to recover if your team loses the game.

You have a tee shirt with a sports logo not only for your favorite team, but for every team in the league. (Yes, hats count too.)

If someone asks you a question, you do not answer until half time.

The remote control button for ESPN is worn down to a nub.

Your life ambition is to go for an entire season without missing a single game.

You want to paint your house in your team’s colors.

You bought a fridge for your den to keep the beer cool.

You channel surf; you watch the game both on TV and on the Internet, or you watch more than one TV set at the same time.

If someone says, How are you?" you say "Three points behind."

You would rather watch football than eat.

You think the Super Bowl is a national holiday.

You can’t carry on a conversation without bringing up sports.

You are offended when someone likes a different team and want to argue about which team is better.

Your dog is named Peyton Manning.

You only speak in sports lingo.

You think being called a "sports fanatic" is a compliment.

You hit the TV or yell at it when your team misses a play.

Your three favorite things are: sacks, blitzes, and red dogs

You can’t remember your spouse’s birthday or anniversary, but know the score of every game for the season and what teams played.

And worst of all, when you make love, you yell "touchdown!"

If you believe you or someone you love may be afflicted with this illness, call 1-800-TICKETS and go to a real game for immediate symptomatic relief. WARNING: This cure may be habit forming and should be used only with extreme caution. Long term effects have not been studied, and symptoms may actually increase or worsen with long term usage.

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