Friday, April 17, 2009

Ode to the Desert

Ah.....Eastern Oregon. (Imagine wild prairie music. The stuff wild west movies are made from) It's such a lovely place. Shrubs, tumbleweeds, antelope, wild horses, jackalopes and whatnot abound. A magical place, birds tweeting, wind rustling your hair as you drive through.

The spirit of the West is alive and well in Eastern Oregon where snow-capped peaks look down on rolling hills, complex desert lands and wild rivers. It’s the land of breathtaking beauty including the magical Painted Hills near John Day, the colossal Steens Mountains (the largest continental geological fault) and the jaw-dropping depths of Hells Canyon, the deepest river gorge in North America. The indelible footprint of Lewis and Clark, Chief Joseph and the Oregon Trail pioneers who lived or passed through this region permeate the area’s culture.

The part that is most interesting I must say is the incredibly long, boring and essentially straight stretch of road that is so breathtakingly mundane, that it makes one want to shoot themselves. this little piece of hell is the Central Oregon Highway.

I and my best friend Sonja, decided to take a road trip. Ok, well not really decided, but we had too. We had to deliver something that rhymes with "said beer med" and means no longer living bone material that sticks out of a
Odocoileus hemionus, arranged in a manner that one would want to hang on a wall. We had to deliver this sucker in the back of my truck.

It was originally supposed to be mailed, but we decided it would be cheaper to drive it to it's destination. Therefore it was very well wrapped in a box from the UPS store. Remember, I said cheaper not smarter.

We strapped this baby in the back of my truck at 7 am with bungee cords and hope. It was about 3x3 ft, and not as heavy as I thought it would be.

Well, apparently we were not as cool with the bungee cording as we had thought. We were just getting down the road with Sonja driving when I glanced over at her after I heard her hand slap over her mouth and I saw her eyes widen in horror as she looked in the rear view mirror. The box decided to take a dive out the rear of the truck, roll down the road three or four times before landing in a ditch. Oh shit!


Oh well, it was fine. At least it
seemed fine, except for a little dirt and one small scuff on the corner of the box. So we loaded the sucker back up in the truck. We might have taken a wee bit more time tying it down, this time utilizing the rope I had stashed in the bed. Takes brains ya know. (*tap tap on side of head while winking like a weirdo)

So then we are off. Again.

No problems getting to the gas station. Unless you call the extremely annoying "thumpty thumpty" of the tarp hitting the top of the box because of the wind, a problem. Argh.

Filled up and then we were off again. I must say, we couldn't have picked a better day to go over McKenzie Pass.



We went through some very nice little towns. I saw the little "town" of Millecan that my son's grandma and I (and my son when he was wee) had broken down in about 18 years ago while driving my '69 Pontiac Bonneville station wagon to Virginia when I was young, stupid and in love. The "town" consisted of a store that had a gas station, post office and I think the owners lived there in the back room. (a whole other story, I promise) Unfortunately, it is abandoned and for sale. Mm mm....interesting.



We made it to where we were trying to get to, and everything worked out well. Except that it is a 15-16 hour round trip drive and most of it you just want to shoot yourself from boredom.

Thank God we had Lucy the pooch for entertainment.





Original Video - More videos at TinyPic

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

End of an Era

My life as an express lane cashier is over. Long story. Now I have to think of other things to write about. Stay tuned.

Thursday, April 09, 2009

Things You Should Never Say To The Express Lane Cashier


  • "Are you open?" Me, in my head: "Is my "Closed" sign sitting on my counter not two feet from your face? Is my light turned off, indicating that I am in fact closed? Am I looking at you like you are the biggest shit head ever? Then, yes, I guess I'm closed."
  • "Is this the express lane?" Me in my head: "If you had bothered to look up and see the sign that says "express", then maybe, just maybe, you could have saved yourself from stating the stupidest question today. Yes, 10 items or less."
  • "I have more then ten, is that OK?" No that is not OK. If it was OK, then I wouldn't be the express lane now would I?
  • "I have more than ten, but there is no one behind me." (As they start unloading their 23 items) There is no one behind you because I am the express lane. The second I start ringing you up, I will have 15 irritated people, each holding one slice of pizza because they are on their lunch break, behind you. After you leave I will get the stink eye from each and every one of them as I ring up the empty pizza plates, since they ate their lunch while waiting in line behind your inconsiderate ass.
  • "All my 34 separately bagged bulk items count as one right? Because they are all granola of some kind." Are you fucking kidding me? You know better. How could you even say that with a straight face?
  • "Why don't they make all the debit card machines the same?" Gee, I guess they didn't get my memo about making them all the same. How the fuck should I know? I am just a cashier for cripes sake!
  • "My total is $10.63? I have 63 cents." Then proceeds to pick and choose which state quarters they can part with and which ones they cant and then count out 13 pennies from the bottom recesses of their purse, and eventually have to untangle the last one from a wrinkled up old Kleenex. Yuck!! I really have no comment to this.
  • "Oh, do you have any Alaska quarters?" This said by the same person that just gave me the snotty penny, after I just closed the drawer and scrubbed my hands with anti bacterial stuff. No, sorry. All Oregon, I just checked.
I have more, but my left hand is numb and it's hard to type. I wish I were a super hero....I don't know where that came from.