Looking For A Job Blows Chunks

I hate looking for work. Sucks. Sucks. Sucks. I should get paid to look for work. HA. In a perfect world, that's what my job would be. Hell, I have tons of experience. Sigh...

Every year or so, my husband decides that it might be better for us if I got a job. Why? I don't know. He likes it when I stay home, take care of the house, yard, kid, all three dogs, three cats, and God know what else that comes up. But usually around the holidays he asked me if I might want to find a two day a week thing. I guess to pay for the X-mas presents or something. Anyway, with all my experience of filling out job applications, I have compiled a list of things NOT to put on an application.

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes. Some.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Hawaii with a fabulously wealthy stud who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Leo with Libra rising.

*These are the lessons learned only from time. Sigh...I hate looking for work.