Have you ever noticed just how many "Idiot's Guides" are in your local bookstore? What a waste of money. I don't need no guide for idiots or dummies. I can dumb down my world all by myself, without the help of some stupid expert. Take The Complete Idiot's Guide to Buying and Leasing a Car, for instance. You don't need a guide for that. Everyone knows you just take any car you want, and leave a lemon in the parking lot.

Or The Complete Idiot's Guide to Cooking a Chicken (hint: make sure the chicken's dead). Can you imagine just shoving the poor thing into an oven and waiting for it to die? Kinda reminds me of how we cook lobster or crab. Same in theory, but just not a good idea for your chicken dinner.

How about The Complete Idiot's Guide to Spas and Retreats? Hmmm, the Love Canal sounds like a romantic place....

God knows how many lucky orphans now have complete idiots for parents, thanks to The Complete Idiot's Guide to Adoption.

Then there's The Complete Idiot's Guide to Bringing Up Your Baby. Anyone who buys that one, shouldn't have kids.

Or what about The Complete Idiot's Guide to Decoding Your Genes? That's all we need -- idiots learning to clone themselves. Whoo hoo!

How about The Complete Idiot's Guide to Choosing A Pet? As far as I'm concerned, the only pet that a complete idiot deserves to own is a Pet Rock.

What's Dogs for Dummies all about? Let's see, a Lab is supposed to be pretty stupid... duh, he won't outsmart me.

Don't look in The Complete Idiot's Guide to Breaking Bad Habits for help. There's nothing about heroin in there. The prerequisite is The Complete Idiot's Guide to Gambling Like a Pro.

Then there's The Complete Idiot's Guide to Cool Ways to Communicate Online. Nobody will know you're an idiot if you describe yourself online as a jet-fighter pilot or a brain surgeon or a model. Just make sure you can spell.

You'd have to really be daft to need The Complete Idiot's Guide to Motherhood. Stick penis in vagina and presto!

Then there's The Complete Idiot's Guide to Sex on the Net. No problem. Just make sure it's tied to the tree so you don't get tangled up in it.

The Complete Guide to Sunken Ships and Treasures? Easy. Go to pet store. Look in aquarium. Caution, make a note: avoid piranha tank.

Don't bother buying Container Gardening for Dummies -- grow your very own vegetation in the bottom of the garbage can. It can be done! Trust me.

Cooking With Kids for Dummies? Easy. Put kid in pot. Simmer until flesh is tender and falls from bones. Kidding! Jeesh...

Learn all about Desk-Top Publishing and Design for Dummies -- carve the F-word right into the wood on top of the desk.

In The Complete Idiot's Guide to Dog Tricks you can learn how to catch a Frisbee in your mouth and play fetch just like a real dog.

Cold Fusion for Dummies? Stick tongue to metal pole in winter. I think one of my brothers wrote that one.

Then there's Cool Careers for Dummies. May I suggest Arctic explorer? I hear it can be pretty cool there.

The Complete Idiot's Guide to Changing Your Career should be one page with three words: "Quit your job." I wrote the book on that one.

The Complete Idiot's Guide to Conquering Procrastination? A bit of advice: "First of all, put down this book!"

The Complete Idiot's Guide to Reaching Your Goals? Arrange beer, TV remote and potato chips in 180-degree arc around easy chair.

The Complete Idiot's Guide to Stretching and Relaxing? Place beer, TV remote and potato chips just out of reach in 180-degree arc around easy chair.

The last thing we need is a book called The Complete Idiot's Guide to Flying and Gliding. Aren't there already enough idiots on the road?

I'm sure The Complete Idiot's Guide to Middle East Conflict is full of helpful suggestions -- it's related to The Complete Idiot's Guide to Winning Through Negotiation (hint: bring an Uzi).

Then there's The Complete Idiot's Guide to Near-Death Experiences -- what, hold breath for four minutes? Stick knife in toaster?

The Complete Idiot's Guide to Losing Weight? Hack off a limb.

If I really was a complete idiot and I saw a book like The Complete Idiot's Guide to Palmistry, wouldn't I think it was a book about masturbation, or that The Complete Idiot's Guide to Curling was a book for hairdressers?

What about The Complete Idiot's Guide to Soccer -- a how-to guide about how to smack your wife upside the head or put a sock on her foot?

The Complete Idiot's Guide to Windows... well, usually there's some kind of latch or something. There are guides for Windows 95 and Windows 98 -- those really difficult modern windows with sliding screens and tricky blinds with long cords.

The Complete Idiot's Guide to Wine is obviously about complaining in a high, squeaky voice, and The Complete Idiot's Guide to Yahoo! is about pretending to be in a rodeo.

The Complete Idiot's Guide to How to Make Money in the New Millennium? I know! Write a Book for Dummies or a Complete Idiot's Guide. It's better than The Complete Idiot's Guide to Making Money on Wall Street. Who wants to dress up like a hooker and sell their body for cash?