Sunday, October 15, 2006

Losing weight is hard to do...

I sometimes hate working out. My friend Sonja seems to think that everyday chores are the same thing as working out. They might be for her. But in a dazzling display of mutual support, we've learned to talk ourselves out of working out.

"Look, I don't feel like working out, you don't feel like working out--let's just skip it."

"Nobody's going to know, right?"

"It'll be our secret."

"Right, we'll just continue to look the way we do. And if anyone asks, we ran today."

The truth is nobody likes to work out. We just do it to keep up with people who look better than we do. If we would just agree to not work out--and I mean everyone, across the board--we'd be a lot happier. We could eat cupcakes and sleep late. The problem is it would only take one person in good shape to ruin it for the whole group. "Great, now we gotta look like her..." And the next morning all be back running, lifting and sweating against our will.

Weight. Some people talk like it's nothing. "I'll just lose it after the holidays. It won't be hard--I mean I've only been eating like a pig these last...What is it...3...4...20 years? I'll have some cottage cheese for lunch; I'll be fine."

We put a lot of pressure on cottage cheese. We've convinced ourselves it's a Miracle Food. If it's on your plate, you're on a diet. Doesn't matter what else is on your plate. It could be three cheeseburgers and a mountain of lard. Drop a scoop of cottage cheese on there--it's a Diet Plate.

It's the same with a peach half. Somehow it's a Diet Enforcer. "Sixteen pork patties with a piano-size pile of potatoes, and a fresh peach half." And you think, "Peach half--how bad can it be? It's obviously a special Dieter's Platter."

If you ever see cottage cheese and half a peach on a plate, for God's sake be careful. You could literally disappear. Your body mass could evaporate into thin air--so powerful are these nutritious diet items. Sheesh.

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