Saturday, December 05, 2009

Mom--1, Asshole of a teen-aged son--0

My son and his friend, spend most of their time huddled together, laughing about boobs or XBox or the latest crisis with their girlfriends. They are good boys, but my son will occasionally have a brain fart.

As I was driving them around the other day, the gas bubbled up and spilled over.

"Hey, Mom. I need you to stop at Rite Aid."

He turned in his seat and looked at his friend and they both smirked.

"Why? Are you out of something?"

"No, not really. I need something, though. It starts with a 'c' and ends with 'dum'".

More smirking, with a side of giggling. Although as teen "men" they would never admit to "giggling".

"Oh, really?", Dumb being the operative word here because you-won't-have-anything- to-use-if-you-keep-up-with-that-shit-and-who-the-hell-do-you-think-you-are-my-God- have-you-lost-your-ever-loving mind?!

They are laughing and having a great time and I just had a coronary.

"OK, OK! It's an inside joke, Mom!"

It was an inside joke. He let that shit out and now it's an outside, fuck-with-Mom joke. When he saw how much it affected me, he grabbed the reins on that sonuvabitch and has been riding it for days, driving me to the brink of madness. I hate that!

I know that my son is 18, and that he has doubtless been demonized by some whore of a girl, but there is nothing quite as frightening as the realization that your kids will and probably already have, acted the exact same way you did when you were their age.

So, daily I am asked to make a trip to Rite Aid. When I pale and get all sweaty, they laugh and tease me about how many illegitimate children my son is going to have because I won't buy him condoms. I asked him to stop. I ordered him to stop. Day after day, he continued.

I had no choice. I had to retaliate.

Now, in reality, I don't like to even think of my son with a girl. But giving me grief about being a grandma before I'm forty? Over the line. It had to stop.

On the way home last night, I ran into Walgreen's to pick up a prescription. While I was in there, I picked up something else. When we got home, my son announced that he and his friend were going walking.

"Not now. Go in the living room. We need to talk to you."

He gave me a puzzled look.

"Can my friend come? Or is it a private talk?"

"No, he can take part. I think that's actually best."

Another puzzled look and he complied. When he and his friend were seated on the sofa, hubby and I launched our attack.

"Honey, do you want to start, or should I?"

"Oh, babe, I think you should. I ... I can't."

The kid and his friend look at each other and the snickering begins. Bait taken.

With a grave look on his face, the hubby began.

"Son, I want to talk to you about condoms."

My son and his friend fell all over each other, gasping for air and high-fiving one another.

"Dude! I totally knew that's what this was! Oh, my God! We so pulled this off!" the kid laughed.

Hook. Line. Sinker.

"This is a serious matter. You need to be a little more receptive to what we're trying to do, here," I said.

He and his friend straightened themselves up and gave us their utmost, completely insincere attention.

"Mom, it was a joke. An inside-"

"No, no, I think it was more than that. I think it was your way of asking for information without actually asking--"

"Mom, honestly--"

"Shut it. And listen," I commanded. "Babe, continue," I nodded to the Hubby.

"Your mom and I have been talking and we really want you to be safe. We know things happen and you're human, you have all these urges and hormones and....stuff."

The boys begin squirming and looking thoroughly uncomfortable. Inside joke, indeed.

"So, to make sure of that," Chris says as he reaches into his pocket and my man-child begins to turn an alarming shade of red, "we picked you up some protection for you and your partner."

He drops a bunch of condoms in my child's lap.

As Chris and I sit smugly and watch, my son goes from amused, to embarrassed, to horrified, to flinging them off of his lap, and shrieking like a little girl, all in under two minutes. It was a thing of beauty. Truly.

"What the hell?! What are these? They're tiny! Jeez, did you pick them up at the Asian market? Holy crap! I can't believe you threw condoms in my lap! And I can't believe they're so little!"

I almost peed my pants. Twice. Hubby wasn't breathing. We were in ecstasy.

After the kid finally calmed down, he and his friend went for their walk. Were we done? Mission accomplished?


When the kid returned home, he went to his room. Hubby and I waited quietly in the living room.

More shrieking as he reached for his light switch.

1 comment:

  1. Oh, God. I thought I was going to faint. What a funny post. Tell your son he's a good egg and some lady in Oakland, California got to read about him and his friend....she's even going to email it to her husband and make him read it too.